Unkle Munky Pg 12
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- We could be Munkys, just for one day... Eric from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently been informed by a friend that I might have halitosis. I shower every morning and have always paid particular attention to my toes. How could I have possibly contracted this mysterious disease munky features? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Eric, there is nothing mysterious about the condition known as 'halitosis'. Neither is there a link with toes (unless of course you have a fetish for sucking feet). Your friend was merely, in a diplomatic fashion, alerting you to the fact that your breath is a bit stinky! I am a munky and therefore have no such skills in the aforementioned area of diplomacy. ---- Roy from Dublin asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I really need a shave but, to be quite frank, I just can't be arsed. Do you think my girlfriends Immac hair removing cream will work? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Roy, on no account must you use your girlfriend's Immac hair removing cream! The whiskers on your chin are far tougher than the soft, downy, velvety textured trails that sprawl like majestic whispers from elevated heels to hightened hems before reaching that most magical of forests, a place where all of your creams really can cum true... ahem, sorry. What was the question? ---- Justin from Basingstoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have spent most of my spare time today trying to teach a butterfly to role over and play dead. I believe I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams as he/she has now been in the deceased position for almost twelve hours! Do you think that my training methods might eventually be adopted by Hollywood? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Justin, sadly the average lifespan of a butterfly is only twenty four hours. I am therefore very doubtful that your training methods are quite as accomplished as you might have first presumed. You have succeeded only in wasting your day by spending most of it staring at a dead butterfly! ---- The coming of rage. Ian from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, just look at what my glossy new girlfriend has bought me for my eighteenth birthday! What the fcuk is that about? I don't even have a fuckin' Alsatian! Shall I dump her? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ian, it is quite simply one of the most beautiful plates I have ever seen. Your selfish reaction to such a wonderful gift makes me wonder if perhaps it is she who should be doing the dumping! To be quite frank with you Ian, it's the lack of respect shown for your glossy new girlfriend's feelings that has me a little upset. PS. Can you get them with hamster depictions too? Ian replies - I don't fuckin' know! ---- John from Sandringham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why am I sometimes unable to pee when visiting public urinals? My bladder can be bursting, but as soon as some stranger stands next to me with his dinkle out I go all tense and nothing happens. Is this normal? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear John, feeling tense whilst standing next to a complete stranger whilst both of your dinkles are hanging out is quite normal. This very tension, according to the British board of urine, is the main cause behind the condition commonly known as 'phantom pissing'. You are not alone in your torment. I even suffer with this problem at home as I have an imaginary friend who follows my every bleeding move! The privacy of a cubicle should ease your nerves and so help aid a successful flow. Good luck. ---- Ryan from Fullham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently invited a young lady over to my flat for an intimate meal followed by Ribenna. I cooked her a Pot Noodle (beef and tomato flavour) and also provided a side-dish that consisted of bread (Hovis wholemeal, ready sliced) and a polo mint. Why hasn't she phoned me Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ryan, this is a tricky one and no mistake. I can only assume that your dinner date might have preferred plain white bread as opposed to the aforementioned brown. Women can be a bit funny about their food sometimes. ---- Jill from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that magpies steal things that don't belong to them!? I had my house burgled last week and cannot help but wonder if perhaps the local magpie fraternity might know more than they are letting on? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jill, stealing things that did belong to them would make very little sense? In fact, I'm not sure that taking stuff from yourself actually constitutes as stealing. Jill replies - Oh, forget it Munky features! I'll ask that nice Claire Rayner. Women are miles better at this agony business! ---- Lynne from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how some 'two-ply' toilet roll tissues are not perforated evenly? Often the top layer will be perforated slightly higher or lower than the bottom layer. Do you think it might be some kind of conspiracy Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Lynne, I have indeed noticed this anomaly with regards to certain toilet rolls. After weeks of extensive research I can confirm that the fault seems to lie with the way that certain loo rolls are wound during the manufacturing process. I have recently spoken on your behalf to one of the world's leading lights on toilet paper, Mr. Dave Dixcel. He suggests that, before getting a life, you might want to simply hold the bottom sheet of ply whilst pulling the top sheet over the roll in an anticlockwise fashion. I have tested this technique and can confirm that it really does work! Good times. Good times. ---- Bay City Bipolar Ben from Andover asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my psychiatrist says that most phobias can be conquered by simply facing them head-on. This is all well and good, but persuading the original 'Bay City Rollers' to reform is proving far harder than either of us had anticipated! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ben, failing to persuade the original members of The Bay City Rollers to reform must surely bode well for your teeny bopping phobia. After all, no Rollers - no fears! Well done. ---- Martin from Tammworth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the US secretary of state, Mr. Colin Powell, can turn his head a full 180 degrees until it is facing backwards in an exorcist stylie? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Martin, Powell may rhyme with Owl, but that's pretty much where the similarity ends. ---- Colene from Killkenny asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am convinced that my infuriating new boyfriend has 'selective' deafness. Last week I asked him to laminate my sister's floor but he swears that I asked him to 'Inseminate a listless whore'. I am at my wits end and no mistake! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Colene, it sounds to me as if your infuriating new boyfriend might be suffering from an acute case of cockney rhyming slang. Has he visited London lately? Don't be too hard on him. I was once asked to lag a boiler and ended up shagging one instead. ---- Simon from Ledbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, later today I will be seeing a shrink about my acid indigestion problem. What questions should I be thinking of asking him Munky features? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Simon, you may want to ask him why the hell he's agreed to see you for a condition that can be easily rectified with a few Gaviscon pills! ---- Anthony from New Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been engaged to my house-trained girlfriend for almost three years now. We enjoy a healthy sex-life and rarely argue. With this in mind I took the plunge earlier this week and asked for her hand in marriage. Her reply shocked me Unkle Munky as she now claims to be 'dubious'. I had no idea that she fancied women too. What can I do Munky man? I am at my wits end and no mistake! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Anthony, it would seem to me that, on this occasion, you may have confused the definition of the word 'dubious'. I can confirm that the aforementioned word has no bearing at all on your girlfriend's sexuality and is merely an expression of 'uncertainty' with regards to your proposal of marriage. Allowing her a little space and time to ponder your request should do no harm to your otherwise healthy relationship. ---- Fake off! Sara from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as you may already know, I am an extremely attractive young model who is only really comfortable when in the company of beautiful people. With this in mind I was rather upset a few weeks ago when I was rushed into hospital with appendicitis by an ambulance driver who, to be quite frank with you Unkle Munky, was the epitome of ugliness. Can I make a claim? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sara, you may exude beauty on the outside but, to be quite frank with you, your innards are as rotten and as putrid as a maggot infested corpse. The only claim open to you on this occasion is one of being a self-obsessed, silicon based trollop with a penchant for being ungrateful. Make a claim on that you perma-tanned tart! ---- Billy from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I live in a quiet cul-de-sac with my recently rewired boyfriend, Graham. We enjoy a peaceful life and get on very well with our neighbours. Graham has only been with me for about three months and everything was great until I rimmed him last weekend for his birthday. To be quite frank with you Unkle Munky, the noises that he made were earsplitting! He says that he wants me to rim him on a regular basis but I am worried that his dog-like howls of pleasure will upset my peace loving neighbours. What can I do? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Billy, simply shoving a rubber doggy bone in his gob should silence your lovers howls of rapture. Perhaps you could get one that makes a nice squeaky noise? ---- Stuart from Crewe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, will you please tell my girlfriend that fly killer spray will not work on my rather rampant willy!? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Stuart, I am afraid that this is a very common misunderstanding amongst young ladies, most of whom seem to believe that the word 'fly' relates to a man's flies. I once had my dinkle sprayed in a similar fashion and subsequently spent an hour or so bashing my head against a window for no apparent reason! ---- Leonard from Preston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, a guest speaker at a recent Hi-Fi convention labelled my friends and myself as 'audiophiles'! We are seriously considering legal action. How can a complete stranger make such a vile accusation Unkle Munky? To be quite frank with you, I am at my wits end and no mistake! 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Leonard and friends, it would seem to me that you have your wires crossed (did ya see what I did there... hi-fi... wires... ahem). An 'audiophile' is a person/geek who spends most of his waking hours fretting over woofers and tweeters. Making a claim in this instance will only highlight your crass stupidity. ---- Shaved Pussy Susan from Prestatyn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, both my boyfriend and myself have recently joined a naturist club. Next week they are holding a 'bring your pet' event at the local park. With this in mind, Unkle Munky, I was wondering if I should perhaps shave my pussy? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Susan, the shaving of your genital region is something that only you can decide. Some ladies will occasionally take their partners preferences into consideration but, ultimately, the final decision must lie with you and you alone. Susan replies - Oh fer god's sake Munky! I meant, should I shave my pussycat - Tiddles!? 'Unkle Munky replies -' Oh, er... no. Shaving cats is just wrong! Sorry. ---- Hannah from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my husband and I recently rescued a lovely Labrador from the local dogs home. Everything is going well and he is already like one of the family. The only problem we have revolves around the fact that our new addition shares my husband's name, Dave. This is beginning to cause problems as my husband will inadvertently fetch, beg and play dead whenever I bark out my orders. What can I do munky man? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Hannah, I know many women who would love to have an obedient man play dead for them. Flippancy aside, solving your problem could not be easier. For as little as ten pounds your husband can, by deed poll, change his Christian name so that it does not confuse the dog. This will also save you the bother of having to change Dave's name tag. ---- Colene from Killkenny asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I swear that my infuriating new boyfriend's 'selective' deafness is getting worse. Recently, during an intimate commercial break, I happened to mention that his flat was looking a little sparse. The events that followed shocked me so much that I was rendered speechless and a little light-headed. I swear that I never asked that man to put it up my arse Unkle Munky! Do you think he might do it again sometime..? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Colene, I can safely say that most men harbour these dark fantasies in the backs of their sewage-like minds. As a result of your letter I have decided to go 'minimalist' and will be inviting female friends over for wine and... biscuits. I just hope I hear the door bell, what with my hearing impediment and all (-; ---- Lee from Birkenhead asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when participating in a farting contest should the participants be concentrating on the volume of said fart or, as my Grandmother claims, should duration take precedence? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Lee, I can confirm that volume seems to be the most important factor when entering into any modern day farting contest. Points for duration are given very occasionally (at the judges discretion). A shame really as many experienced fartophiles will verify that prolonging a bottom burp takes far more skill than merely blasting one out willy nilly. ---- Like a Goth to a flame. Carl from Chorley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have noticed that the onset of darkness seems to be sprawling ever earlier as father time courts the favour of an autumnal striptease. Like a cloak draped in menace across the wicked grin of an evil doer, I can but avert my innocent eyes. Vicious rumours involving the shifting of hours add further to the woes of my tormented mind, a mind that may lose itself forever to the icy chill of summers loss. These may seem like trivial matters to most Unkle Munky, but what you need to understand is - I am currently dating a Goth! She is beautiful, and I am worried that I might lose her to the blackness of the all-encompassing shadow of winter. 'Unkle Munky says -' Bloody hell, you're a bit dramatic and no mistake! Dear Carl, these are indeed worrying times for the partners of Goths. You might be interested to note that the government is re-launching its drive to sway those of a darker persuasion to wear highly unfashionable reflective clothing. Please see the attached Jpeg for a glimpse of what all 'sensible' Goths might be wearing this Winter. Pictured - My mate Barry who, underneath his government approved attire, is actually more Goth than Wayne Hussey, Robert Smith and Marilyn Manson put together! ---- Next... Previous... 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